Disorder
by Tai Ping
Summary: Looking for someone to co-write with me, a section of a story with a concept. Raito feels stressed after his confinement.
1. Chapter 1

Sorry gang this is going to be god-awfully bad and if someone cough Lady K. d'Azrael, Sakurazukamori6, Nilahxapiel cough feels like taking it over or including it into a story I would only be pleased to see it used.

Basically it's just the thought that no one can go through soilitary confinement for almost 2 months without being changed somehow, Raito has been tortured here, We don't see it much in the comic but can you imagine, being alone, no computer, no books, no friends, no freedom for 50 days? I've been though this with books and the internet for 10 days and I nearly went nuts with boredom. Then to be taken out by your father and shot? Yikes...

Disorder.

Imprisonment, Day 20

I woke up that morning exhausted. This was becoming a regular occurrence for me and I hated it, I'm a creature of habit, good habits, and the thought of becoming a sloth was driving me nuts.

Oh that and being locked in a room for three going on four weeks.

Opening my eyes in a half slit to stare at the grey wall I made my schedule for the day.

wake up

piss

bitch to empty room in hopes the psychopath in control of said room listens.

eat

take nap

make pictures on wall with mind

piss again

take another nap

play a game of mental 'go' with self

bitch some more

eat again

go to sleep

"Well golly Raito, you've got the busy day ahead, you'd better get up" I muttered to myself before snuggling deeper into my thin blanket.

God what was I thinking...

Imprisonment Day 30

I've begun singing to myself. I know I know has to be the lamest thing possible but I've already spent the last week reciting as exact as my memory serves every play by Shakespeare in alphabetical order. I'm frighteningly accurate since L was kind enough to record my recital and check for accuracy. 80 which I think is pretty good overall. I'll have to re-read them when I get out to see what I missed.

But I never really liked Drama, I was more of a politics kind of guy if anything. But today, it's singing. Soft recital of every song I can remember, pulling as far back as elementary school days.

I have to,

I have to do this,

I have to because it's this or sleep and I'm starting to lose track of things. Dreams are getting too real, things I remember about Jung and Freud are starting to creep me out with their accuracy.

If I have any dreams about my mother I'm going to admit to this whole Kira bullshit just so I can get killed.

Imprisonment Day 40

I think L is starting to notice my poor sleep habits.

"Raito?" I faintly hear through the fog of sleep.

"nng..." I mumble in return.

"Raito you're sleeping on the floor again, I highly recommend that if you feel tired you should lay on the bed provided to you so you do not get ill." L's monotone voice droned.

"I don't wanna."

Wow, I've got the grand maturity of a three year old today. But then, I just wanted L to talk to me, he had ignored me for the last two or three days, I'm not sure since I've been losing track of time and he tells me the days, Maybe it's only been one, maybe I'm going crazy.

"... You don't 'Wanna'?" L repeated back at me, the slightest hint of surprise in his voice.

"I'm not sleepy" I state with a yawn. "I've been sleeping all day, I don't wanna sleep anymore."

I get silence, fucking silence, when I get out I swear I will play music constantly. I used to love the quiet.

"Tell me a story..."

more quiet, I held my breath and began to count, I wonder how many brain cells this would kill, I wonder if it mattered.

20

21

22

"What kind of story?" L asked

"Anything, I don't care I'm just..." lonely but like hell I'm saying that much "so bored..."

"As much as I would enjoy indulging you Raito, the Kira investigation is still happening and I have things to do, I indulged you yesterday with playing the Massey lectures so you could practice english."

This time it was my turn to think.

"Really?"

God why does it take so long for him to answer, I mean he's smart right, fucking perfectionist analytic bastard.

"Do you not remember? I played the talks by Stephen Lewis on the African Epidemic, and Alberto Manguel's The City of Words, dealing with ethnic issues."

Oh right, man I hate thinking about Politics and AIDS and racism sometimes, it's just so obvious what needs to be done and everyone is such an ass about doing it.

"That was yesterday?"

"Yes."

Maybe I am going crazy.

Imprisonment Day 50

"Raito, are you Kira"

"no"

"Raito are you Kira"

"no"

"Raito are you are Kira"

I don't know

am I?

Was I?

Will I?

What is I?

I wish I was dead.

Imprisonment Day 53

I awoke with a start as someone grabbed me and hauled me out of bed.

"What the hell!" I could hear my voice say with certain detachment from my body. struggling weakly as I hadn't moved in so long, I caught a glance of one of my fathers subordinates, Aizawa-san I think. A blindfold is placed over my eyes.

"L! L! What's going on? L?"

"Shut up" I hear Aizawa-san say roughly as he put the cuffs on me and shoves me blindly forward.

I'm tired, God I'm so tired, just let me sleep, and yet...

My heart pounds, what's happening, what could be happening, am I free? I'm scared...

I don't want to die.

"... Thank Goodness"

I can feel my heart pounding in the back of my throat, tight constricting, I don't know if I can breath, I think I need to throw up.

A blank. A blank. A blank.

Somewhere I hear L talk, explain, I think I answer. My father is crying, I'm alive, I'm innocent.

I can smell the stench of death all around me, the smell of two months of sweat and fear. Misa just urinated herself and has started shaking.

"D-Dad"

"Yea Son?" He answers, smiling back at me.

"Can you let me out I think I'm going to be a little sick."

My Dad still moves pretty fast for being over 45, to bad Misa already ruined the car, but I didn't want him to see me like that. Broken, tainted, afraid.

I take a few wobbly steps away from the vehicle once my handcuffs are off. Everything smells, the grass, the dirt, the pavement. The scent of the car exhaust brings up unbidden memories of gas stations late at night. I look up and see the soft hues of a new dawn just before the ground comes rushing at me and everything goes black.

I awake cold, everything is white and cold and unreal.

am I "... dead?"

"No, you are quite alive, simply dealing with stress, lack of exercise, nutritional deficiencies and a shock that I miscalculated your ability to handle. There was only a 10 probability you would react this strongly to the situation, but it's still a very solid 10 so I had a medical team waiting." L's Monotone voice replied from next to my head.

Turning my head I almost passed out again as L was hovering inches away from my face, inspecting me.

I did what came natural.

I Yawned right in his stupid face and hoped I had terrible morning breath.

Chained, Day 7

"Raito has changed, I am uncertain as to why. I fully realize there is the possibility to minute character differences after prolonged confinement with the possibility of one's mortality hanging in the balance. Raito I'm sure would have deduced as well the possibility of his earlier half confession an attempt by Kira to use him to derail the investigation however after my test I am 99.9 certain this is not the case however with Raito's reasoning skills he may have felt much like a prisoner on death row with a Kira induced heart attack awaiting him or my pronouncement of guilt at any moment. Thus explaining some changes as many prisoners experience often breif life altering epiphanies when facing with a prolonged death. However I do not think Raito would be quite as susceptible to that as them. Granted there was the 1 chance that Raito would experience some kind of psychological break during the confinement as all humans are pack creatures and tend to shy away from isolation. However if Raito was Kira then the stress is simply based on the possibility of being discovered by me which would amplify the break in a different manner, however I feel this is only a 5.23 possibility seeing as Yagami-san is still alive and Raito's reaction in the car when faced with his own death..."

L's mind was abuzz as his eyes flicked over to his prisoner from behind his computer screen.

L hated Psychology, of all the sciences it was on one hand the simplest and on the other the most difficult. All it took was one person to be different, or to lie convincingly, or to lie to themselves convincingly and all the theories on human psyche were then gone to pot because you cant mesh two people into the exact same mental mold.

Both Nature and Nurture do not permit it.

Oh he could read people, analyze them and follow them and get his theories, as any detective could. But he still didn't like it, it just wasn't solid enough, there was no hard evidence to ever prove what was going on in someone else's head.

Turning back to his computer screen L began going back once again through all the data compiled to date. He was in the midst of making a new program to crawl through internet databases and pull up any non-repeated information, posts, blogs or websites regarding Kira or heart attack victims. Slowly there was a pattern forming, some big names but it wasn't Kira's MO. And these men were old and in positions of high stress, but at the same time Japanese people as a race in general don't have a history of heart diseases. So each one can be called into question.

Eyes dashing along the screen L actually gave a proper jump when the silence of the room was interrupted with a very loud, hollow "THUNK" The team all jumped to their feet and even Watari stepped in from the other room at the strange noise.

Raito jumped up just as fast as the others and was now shifting his weight back and fourth while pressing a palm to his head, the other clenched in a fist at his side.

"I'm okay" He said just as it slowly dawned on L.

Raito had fallen asleep at the computer and hit his head on the desk.

L's lips curled into some sort of strange smile as he stared at Raito. Sensing his amusement Raito glared at L.

"Raito, are you okay?" His father asked,

Yagami-san was concerned for his son, noticing how when he went home for the night Raito would be sleeping in the desk by the ever awake L. His patience for the detective was on it's last straw having come in that morning to see his son sleeping at the detective feet like some dog. Too exhausted and beat down to force the detective to do something as simple as go to an actual bed.

"Yah Dad, don't worry I'm fine, I must be catching something, I got lots of sleep last night but I'm just still really tired." Raito said while slightly moving our of his fathers reach.

Yagami-san shot one last look at L who was ignoring them in favour of his laptop before returning to his own workstation.

L knew that Yagami-san was blaming him for his son's exhaustion, However L felt he had been exceptionally curtious to Raito especially given the circumstances. During his observation Raito had not seemed like a lazy individual. Existing throughout hight-school and college on 3-5 hours of sleep between studying, however as prior to his release he had gotten into the habit of sleeping for extended periods of time. 10,12 sometimes even 16 hours of sleep. L was pushing Raito to break these habits, but he imagined Raito, having been an active teen, was probably suffering from a severe lack of vitimin D since he had not really seen natural sunlight for well over two months.

"I think" L started in his slow manner of calculated speech, reading ever nuance of a reaction from Raito and the rest of the team. "Tomorrow will be a day off, if it's sunny"

Raito just stared at L causing him to put his thumb to his mouth in concerned annoyance.

"Could he..." L thought to himself running through how Raito had been reacting as of late.

Irritability or inappropriate outbursts of anger? Well Raito attacked L so check.

Avoidance? Well Raito has been shying away from his father and practically had a fit (Or at least as much of a fit as he could) when Aizawa startled him the other day.

maybe...

"I believe Raito is still recovering from his time incarcerated and needs a little time to himself. Exercise and sunlight I think would be the optimal solution, and since I want to observe him at all times at the moment then I will have to take that time off, there for, everyone should have this liberty to have a little time off. I think tomorrow we have been put at a bit of a standstill as Kira has been laying low for the last few weeks I feel one day will not adversely affect the case too drastically. Let's finish up tonight so we're well rested for our early time off tomorrow."

Yagami-san nodded stiffly, while a hard worker and wanting to solve the case and clear his son as soon as possible his wife, daughter, and doctor had all been bothering him to take some time off. Unlike Raito who increased his amount of sleeping during his confinement, Yagami-san had essentially spent the time not sleeping and was on the brink of a second heart attack.

"Good night gentlemen." L concluded dismissivly turning his back upon the rest of the team leaving no room for argument. Raito stared sleepily at his computer screen feeling a pinch of guilt. On one hand he wanted his father to go home and rest, he could only imagine how much stress his Dad was under and wanted him to be healthy. On the other hand the day was for his sake, and as much as he wanted to help L he was probably slowing the super detective down.

"God what's wrong with me, I wish I could just snap out of this." Raito thought dejectedly "I wish I were dead"

Raito's head snapped up at that sudden invasive thought that had floated into his brain.

"What!?" He mentally chided himself "I am not some depressed teen, I've got a good life here, an opportunity to work with the worlds greatest detective, helping catch the worlds greatest killer. My name will go down in history! I don't want to die, I want to be alive!"

L watched Raito curiously from the corner of his eye. Maybe this is why he was so interested in the younger man, his face, when he thought you were looking at him it was a schooled face of a professional actor. Raito's looks could certainly put him on the big screen, it was almost a shame he decided to get into detectivism, but L imagined his father would disown him if he got into Acting and fell short of Hollywood. But when Raito thought no one saw him you could practically see the conversations in his head. Sleepy, dejected, depressed for but a second and then so very angry and determined. L's biting on his thumb increased slightly as he saw that flash of resolve and pride in Raito's eyes.

"What did you decide Raito?" L interjected, unable to keep from prying into the boys thoughts.

A quarter second of fear crossed Raito's face before the impassive mask was slapped back on.

"What?"

"You looked like you had come to a conclusion on something, did you discover some evidence or simply decide what to have for dessert tonight?"

Raito blinked slowly. "I can't remember what exactly I was thinking any longer since you startled whatever it was out of my head, but I imagine it was significantly less important then evidence, if I've forgotten it, but more important then dessert, since unlike you, I was the one thinking it."

L smirked, "More important then dessert? Why that is second only to possible world conquest, are you sure you're not Kira?" L jibed in a voice low enough that Raito's father couldn't hear him.

"I don't know if the caliber of your jests are appropriate given the situation L, at least wait until the others are gone before you start laying into me, after all if I'm going to admit to being the greatest killer of all time, it's not something I'd admit in front of my father unless I want to get shot" Raito stated with mock anger. L and Raito were discovering that the longer they were together the more morbid their jests were becoming. They attempted at least to keep it between the two of them least anyone on the team, Watari included, tried to put them in the loony bin as possibly psychopaths.

"So are you saying you'll admit to being Kira so long as your father is not present?"

"And when the moon is discovered to be made out of a fine blue cheese, yes"

"I'll work on your father first, the cheese will have to wait."

Blurrr I have very little to nothing from this point out so if someone want's to yanno, co-write or something that be fancy.


	2. Chapter 2

Part two, arn't I a fancy pant's. I've been reading up on PSTD which enables me to write.

I've also been watching a lot of House and watching science shows on genetics.

Who's tempted to make a scientifically viable fanfic on MPreg?

Not me that's for sure. Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction is as low as I'll go.

well that's a lie.

Maybe Pokemon.

Dis-ease

Needless to say, L was disappointed with the self imposed day off. Raito had very little interest in doing anything, and against his better intentions it turned out to be a rainy day, foiling L's plans at forcing some fresh air and vitamin D on the mopey teen.

Moving onto Plan B, L quickly got a booking at a tanning salon and forced Raito into what he called a "Cancer Box" for a few minutes in order to get some form of light on Raito.

"Today will be about your health, I believe your few days in the hospital were not sufficient in recovering your health, Misa-san spent a full two weeks under doctor care and has now bounced back with far more energy then you."

"Well who's fault is that? Pestering me every moment while I was there because you were so depressed I wasn't Kira." Raito countered snidely as they rode back from the tanning salon.

"Hence my concern for you now, wouldn't want your father to later charge me with negligence to your heath if you're proven innocent"

"When" Raito corrected sharply.

"I'm not about to rule anything out yet, at the moment you still are suspect number one."

L turned from the window to look directly at Raito having expected some barb, some comment after that but received nothing. Raito was looking out the window, a blank expression on his face as he stared out into the traffic. L stayed silent, slowly bringing his thumb to his lips as he continued to observe the teen. This was strange, strange that he wasn't reacting, that he was letting the silence ebb, that he hadn't noticed L's obvious staring, that his eyelid was suddenly ticking.

"Raito" L said carefully observing his reaction. "Raito?"

"Hmm?" Raito replied with a sleepy blink finally turning to look at L.

"Is your eye bothering you?"

"Why would you s..." Raito started before his eye ticked again causing his hand to fly up and rub at the fluttering lid. "agh, that feels weird!"

Raito stracthed at his brow for a moment before feeling the heat of L's gaze

"What?"

"Please indulge my questioning here Raito but for what reason do you imagine you might be having uncontrolled muscle spazams in your eye?"

Raito stared at L for a moment before his brain caught up with the question. "Well I'm not into medicine or anything but there are a variety of reasons both physical and psychological. Stress, fatigue, even epalepsy is possible. I wouldn't be concerned about it though, it's probably stress."

L's eyebrows creased slightly in concern as he continued to stare unabashedly at Raito. "Indeed..."

'Can you blame me on the stress' I thought to myself sourly, turning away from the vapid glare of the detective, 'It's rude enough to stare in Japan, imagine being subjected to it 24 hours a day for a few months running, anyone would start to tweek.'

I bit my tongue hard, feeling the coppery taste of blood fill it, letting it sooth my frayed nerves. I was pissed, I was constantly pissed and sleepy and generally irritable. L was such a fucking... Well I cant even thing of any really rude terms to place here, higher education tends to blot out lower vocabulary, but he was certainly a douchbag to say the least.

But at least he's a little concerned for me, I do feel a bit better after being able to get out of that hotel and get a little "sun" on me.

2 days later

L's concern was increased tenfold for Raito, not only as a suspect but also as a friend. Raito's general attitude had taken a turn for the worst, snapping at people (granted, usually it was Matsuda for which L didn't blame him) and being unfocused. As much as Raito's father and even L himself wanted to stop pushing Raito, he had become integral to the team, and as they were getting closer and closer to what L believed was the third Kira, Raito's desire for sleep, facial tic and poor attitude were getting stronger.

"Perhaps..." L started to Raito's back as they lay in bed. "Raito is Kira and he's trying to both the investigation by being an irritable bint."

L knew Raito wasn't asleep from the huff of breath that came after that.

"Maybe the connection to the Yotsuba group is a ruse, and Raito is delaying the investigation by distracting Matsuda and not giving it all Raito's effort"

"And maybe, L is a melodramatic egomaniac who thinks his manic insomnia is the norm for a growing teenager and thus places too much pressure upon the already over-stressed." Raito replied with ease.

"Maybe" agreed L continuing to tap onto his computer.

A few moments later L could hear Raito's breath evening out as he fell asleep. L was amazed at how quickly Raito fell asleep, but the boy did have a point in that L found it exceedingly difficult to shut his own brain off and get any rest at all, let alone the 8 hours that Raito demanded.

At least Raito could sleep through the sound of a tapping computer.

Looking over at the teen as he rolled over to face him, L's breath hitched for a moment looking into Raito's placid face.

His placid, wet, face.

Raito was crying in his sleep, L was startled, on one hand he quite imagined that if Raito were to ever be brought to tears this would be the method, unnoticed, silent, and done out of sight of the public. These were not heaving sobs or choked back moans of sorrow, simply water leaking out of his eyes.

L turned back to his computer screen, this time sticking his pinkey in his mouth and sliding the nail over his teeth again and again.

'Maybe... or...' the part of his brain controlling his hands moved faster then the frontal part of his brain which formulated vocal thought, quickly they brought up all night footage of Raito, from his incarceration to before and after. L had watched them, well, most of them, after they were chained together his observance of Raito was more firsthand and he dismissed more of the digitized versions. Not to say he didn't make them, he just felt the live experience was more valued then the replayed overanalyzed one. First instincts are usually the best.

Moving to the night tapes of being chained L felt a little nervous, watching himself on the computer, seeing images of himself moving, talking. He didn't often even see himself in a mirror and there were no photographs in existance of him so the concept of having a recording with him in it made him feel detached from his body, as though the person on camera wasn't him.

"I wonder if I really am that gangly looking to everyone else..." L muttered to himself before ignoring his indulgence of vanity to zoom in on Raito's face to see if these waterworks were recent.

"What are you doing?" He heard Raito mumble beside him, jumping slightly L looked past Raito to the clock on the desk.

8:00 am.

L had accidently pulled an all nighter watching at an accelerated rate all of the recordings he had of the sleeping boy. Hoping, desperately that perhapse this was a clue.

It was a clue all right, just not to what L wanted.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry everyone. I'm really busy looking for a job, trying to finish Blind, working on my comic, working on my voice acting.

I hate it when stories are just left hanging. So I'm going to give you guys my chapter notes for the most part.

I'll try to fill them in a bit but they're going to be jarring and poorly written for now. I'll try to come back later and re-write them better, or if any of you want to help me co-write them by going through and making them "not shit" that be great too. Thanks for everyone's support in everything!

* * *

Disarray.

* * *

The sound of howling wind awoke L.

He was a notoriously light sleeper but too paranoid to ever sleep with earplugs. Thoughts, sounds, lights everything kept him awake. Fortunately he was used to it since his brain rarely shut off enough for him to sleep.

A Typhoon raged outside causing the window pane to rattle and the vents to whistle, most of the team had called in the day before as the weather report called for all the trains to stop for at least a few days.

L begrudgingly told them not to risk coming in and decided maybe it was a good time for him to catch up on his own sleep.

L knew he must have been tired since he had the stupid idea of being actually able to SLEEP during the storm.

Looking over across the bed he was surprised to see that Raito was not next to him, following the chain L looked over the side of the bed looking perplexed at the boy sleeping on the floor.

"Raito… Raito if you sleep down there I'm certain you will get sick, or at least a very sore back."

Yanking on the chain L made Raito's hand bounce up and slap himself a few times before the teen woke up.

"Nrrrraaaaffffffffff!!" Raito yelled snapping awake and swinging at L who easily dodged the sleepy move.

…. *NOTES*……

Sochiro and Matsuda are able to make it in since Sochiro drives anyway.

Sochiro comments that Raito looks better today, a little more energetic, Raito admits that he's been feeling a bit better now that they're getting closer to getting the real Kira his name will soon be cleared and it's invigorated him. He's excited to finally go home.

Thunder cracks close that it almost touches the building causing an almost instant flash of light and a explosion of sound, the lights go out for a moment.

"Wow that must have been right outside the building, I hope everything is okay" Matsuda comments looking out the window.

Sochiro makes a comment that no one would be outside and buildings are made to deal with this stuff before he looks at Raito who's gone rigid. L who can see Raito's face (his back is to his father) sees that his eye is ticking again and it looks like he's experiencing the REM stages of sleep only with his eyes open.

"Raito… what can you see?" L says slowly as he get's up and approaches Raito in a slow and calculated manner. L thinks Raito may be suffering from a hallucination.

Raito looks at L who's slowly approaching him like he's an animal about to run. "D-don't" he pleads before blinking and seeing L

"I… Nothing.." Raito replies taking a step back, his leg buckles and he stumbles back further before tripping completely and cracking his head solidly on a coffee table.

When he wakes up L and his father are there and Watari is treating him. He's sitting up but can't remember what happened.

L asks him if he's okay and he tells L he's fine but is really sleepy, sadly he is not permitted to go back to sleep since L is concerned he may have a concussion.

L sends everyone home since Sochiro is begin a mother hen, Matsuda is rarely useful and Raito is compeatly out of commission with a punding head and nausea.

That night Raito obsesses over being ill, wonders if he's going to die, if he should die if L should die.

Raito sass a waking nightmare where he's hurting L, choking him and yelling "AM I KIRA NOW? AM I KIRA NOW?"

He jolts and realizes he and L were both staring at each other the whole time he was thinking that. Raito blushes and looks away and L smirks and makes a bit of a sexual joke. Raito is a little worried since he does feel a little aroused, but it's not because he finds L attractive, but the idea of choking him to death a turn on.


	4. Chapter 4

Once again I'm just giving detailed notes to the end chapter, I'll go back and properly write this up one day or if someone else with time on their hands wants to properly write this out that works for me too.

Disaster

L called another emergency day off.

He didn't care of the others were worried or wanted to get back to work, L wanted desperately to get back to work himself, but he was acutely aware that if Sochiro took a look at his son in this state L would no longer have to worry about Kira, as the man would probably kill him himself.

After being forced awake the entire night by L in concern the teen would fall asleep and never wake up Raito was on edge. Jumpy, nervous, startled by the wind and any sudden movements. L could see that Raito's normally steel control was slipping. The fact that Raito himself was keenly aware of this too made it all the worse as he was on the edge of hysterics trying to keep control.

"Raito…" L said. "I'm very sorry for all of this, if you're not Kira then I seriously miscalculated you and I believe your psychological state is my fault…"

Raito looked up at him. "Huh?"

"Well, there's one of two scenarios that is taking place here. Either you indeed are not nor were ever Kira, the stress of the accusations and your solitary confinement and the…" L hesitated to say torture although he knew that technically what he did was. "Questionable methods in which we cleared you of some of your suspicion has resulted in PSTD not just in Misa but in you as well."

"Misa? PSTD? What?" Raito sputtered, the hazy look in his eyes fading a little. He began chewing on his nail which for some reason disturbed L.

"Misa's stay in the medical room was due to psychological reasons Raito. Watasi is a trained psychologist so she has been speaking to him twice a week trying to deal with her PSTD. PSTD if you don't know means Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Watari informed me that due to Misa's past the interrogation techniques I chose to use on her reacted badly with an already present suicidal desire. I'm afraid I assumed that because you had chosen to submit yourself to interrogation that you would not suffer the same effects."

Raito blinked slowly, his mind felt sluggish as it processed the information. "PTSD? Is that what's wrong with me? That I couldn't handle the isolation and have gone crazy?"

"And if I am Kira?"

L bit back the urge to ask him if this was leading to a confession, "Then you really are faking all this to simply hamper the investigation, gain my sympathy and possibly try to kill me and blame it on a psychological break."

Raito's mouth went a little slack at how blunt L was being.

"What will we do about it?" Raito asked.

L wants Raito to be open with him and start speaking to Watari as a psychologist, due to their confinement, L's suspicions and due to his own paranoia L doesn't want to release Raito so he's going to simply put confidence in his own ability to fend off any attacks from Raito.

He promises that once Raito is cleared he will send him in for counselling and pay for the process until Raito is healthy.

Raito is being surprisingly docile about all this and it's totally creeping L out. L asks Raito to tell him what he's thinking right now since he doesn't entirely seem to be paying attention.

Raito doesn't want to talk about it, L pushes saying that if he's holding things in it's bad for his health.

"I think I could be Kira…" Raito said softly pulling up his legs mimicking L's sitting posture. He had moved from chewing his thumb to his knuckle and was starting to break the skin.

L stared at him dumbfounded.

"I'm sorry Raito, I think I must be getting tired from staying up with you all night, I swear you just admitted to being Kira."

Raito looked up at L who had gotten up off the couch and was uncomfortably shifting from foot to foot. "I did"

"Quit joking Raito." L commanded in a deadpan voice.

"I'm not, I… Lately I've been just wishing everyone would die, I want to hurt things so bad and I imagine killing people. Watching people die, is this the PTSD? Is this normal? Or was I… Am I Kira? And if I'm not what does this mean? Maybe you targeted me as Kira because I'm just a serial murderer waiting to happen!"

Raito began to rant his voice increasing in pitch as he spiralled to the edge of hysterics. "I want to kill people L, I… I think I've ALWAYS wanted to kill people. It's wrong, it's WRONG but it's there it's always been there and maybe I have been doing it! Every case I think they need to die, they deserved their fate, maybe not at the hands of a vigilante but they deserved to die and I only wish I did it."

L had backed away to the edge of the chain. Raito was breaking down faster then L imagined it would have happened but he knew that this could have happened. He had studied PTSD in the past, little triggers could throw a person into severe episodes, and Raito had all the makings of a potential killer before. (Well if L was to be honest, everyone had the potentiality to be a killer given the right stressor, but Raito had the arrogance and intelligence to become a seriously dangerous serial killer if he developed the taste for it.)

L felt a pang in his chest, it wasn't fear but it confused L. Was this… guilt?

Raito was gasping for breath, trying desperately to pull himself back together and gain composure.

"This is going to be a problem…" L muttered

Watari prescribes Raito some antidepressants and puts him on more menial task labour releasing him into Watari's care for large parts of the day and tries to keep Raito and his father away from one another since he thinks Raito is either about to crack which would result in his father taking him away justifiably, or he's going to fake a breakdown, which would result in his father taking him away, releasing him to return to his Kira duties.

They get closer to catching Higuchi and Raito is still on the brink of sanity.

L on one hand thinks him innocent due to his overwhelming guilt that he caused Raito to have a psychological breakdown that may affect him for the rest of his life preventing him from ever becoming part of the NPR. On the other hand he still thinks Raito is or was the first Kira, he believes that if Raito was that he isn't any longer and this is the true cause of the break, so he still wants to prove Raito's guilt so he can absolve himself of responsibility for Raito going nuts.

They move out to apprehend Higuchi and in the helicopter L is observing Raito and he notices that once the guns are out Raito starts to act exceptionally twitchy, when he sees Rem he screams and drops the book, then asks L if he's dreaming, if this is real or if he's gone to hell. Raito is clearly distraught over being able to see the Shinigami and L begins pressing everyone to get Higuchi in custody and see what can be done about the Shinigami. Raito picks up the book again and tells L that the book must control the Shinigami and forces it to kill, why else would people see it after touching the book. Raito opens the book and sees the names written in it. Tells L he'll check the last few pages. L agrees, but just as Raito finishes writing Higushi's name in the paper in his watch L grabs the book back wanting to check the last few names himself since he had kept those cases from the overstressed Raito. Losing his grip just as Higuchi collapses L is staring at Raito who is staring at higuchi who then accuses L of killing Higuchi. "DID YOU SHOOT HIM?? WHAT HAPPENED? WHY IS HE DEAD?" Raito flips out thinking that L has murdered Higuchi and starts to kick at the detective and try to get away, L get's Watari to sedate Raito who's terrified that he's going to either die next or that Rem is going to kill him or that L will kill him. In L's head he's cleared Raito of being Kira and deeply regrets what he has done.


	5. Chapter 5

Still in notes form since I don't have time to properly finish it.

* * *

Disappear.

Sochiro had caught a glimpse of his son's agitated state before the drugs had kicked in and he'd calmed down in a drugged stupor. L was kicking himself over the stupidity of letting Raito come. It had to be the dumbest move of his entire life.

"You are still human L." Watari said reaching over to remove the cake from in front of L that he was not eating but stabbing over and over again with his fork.

"But I should have known." L grumbled. "It's so illogical, my utter conviction that he's STILL Kira, I mean really, statistically speaking I could still be wrong, as far as I know it could have been his sister or one of the other people that the FBI were following, or possibly even a close friend or one of the many girlfriends of Raito who was the first Kira and not him. But I still think he's Kira, even after this!"

He waved his arm at the "this" who was passed out on the couch, and the other "this" who was yelling at the apartment door demanding to get his broken son back and the finally "this" creepily hovering over everyone staring at the detective with it's strange uneasily eyes.

Watari sighed, on one hand his was glad that L was experiencing some kind of attachment to anyone. After A and B, L had become extremely withdrawn, he was already a very solitary boy, his intellect separating him from any hopes of normalcy and his personality making the divide even greater amongst his own peers, but after the death of those he had allowed to get close in an attempt to pass his title off to them, the part of him that even remotely craved human contact shut off.

At least until Raito.

Watari did and didn't care about the boys guilt, after all it wouldn't be the first time L looked the other way in the case of criminals for the sake of the greater good. And Watari's hands weren't exactly squeaky clean either. Not to the extent that Kira could be forgiven, but to the extent that if L got a little too personal with a suspect as long as he didn't compromise the case Watari would ignore anything that happened in the between time.

On the other hand, this attachment had gone into dangerous territory, more for Raito then L and Raito's broken condition coupled with the amount of bungling already present in the case was going to seriously damage L's reputation.

"Is it because you think he's Kira, or because you don't want him to leave that you're refusing to let his father come in here and get him?"

L looked at Watari like he was an idiot before he actually pondered what the elder man said.

"Maybe… Higuchi's death is highly suspect, we don't entirely know how he was killing just yet…"

"By Writing the names in the book." Rem interjected

".. Just yet" L shot back at the interruption "As far as we know Raito clicked his heels together and wished those people dead with magical shoes and this is all just the guilt getting to him and the stress of now knowing that it's a magical book killing people, we're onto him about his magical boxer shorts that also kill people."

Watari frowned and looked up as Raito was slowly sitting up, still too groggy and under the effects of the drugs to feel anything let alone scared or stressed about his doom filled future.

"In any case the other detectives are here and we need to inspect the book to properly close this case.

-Note Form-

They read the rules which further clear Raito, although L admits that he still believes that Raito is the first Kira.

Sochiro get's angry especially considering Raito's current drugged condition. But L explains that he had questioned the Shinigami as the new owner of the book and that according to Rem there are over 600 rules governing the Death Note so there could be a loophole rule that states one can get rid of the death note or curse someone else in order to free themselves from the death after 13 days with no killing. L believes that while Misa was the second Kira she is not any longer, and other then charging her with obstruction of the law because of her connection to the tapes, with no notebook with her writing in it there is no proof that she ever killed anyone. That she could have just been an accessory to Raito or Higuchi, or possibly someone or something else.

L believes Raito was the first Kira but that the book is clearly cursed, that Raito may have written in it as a lark the first time, his sense of justice making him write the name of a random criminal and then upon realizing that it worked was forced into writing names and was taken over by demonic powers, that now the book is in L's ownership but he hasn't used he can protect it.

Raito starts mumbling in a mildly drunken slur that L could have been Kira and is just planning on killing everyone with the note, or that he was always after it for this reason. Raito demands to stay with the note because he doesn't trust L with it.

Sochiro doesn't like that idea and the rest of the team would rather the book just disappear and never be used.

Raito points out that while this death note could have belonged to the first or second Kira that means that there is still another book out there which means a fourth Kira will eventually rise.

Everyone does an "oh shit" L ponders not letting Raito or Misa free because he doesn't want them getting exposed to the book again due to the possibility it might bring out the "kira" in them.

L asks that the team finish up their paperwork for this case so he can hand it all in and close this part of the case by morning so people can wake up with the good news that Kira is gone from the world. Sochiro and him fight over where Raito is going who insists on staying with L, Sochiro really doesn't like that because L cause Raito's current questionable state of mind but Raito points out he's not going to get any better anywhere and at least he can be taken care of with L while at home he would just stress out his mother.

Once they're alone Raito mentions that when he's around this book he feels fine. L asks him if thats true and Raito admits that he is thinking about writing his own name in the book just to get this all over with.

L doesn't know what to do with that information, Watari comes back and talks to Raito about his feelings and why he's staying. Raito mentions that he doesn't want to be let go, that he NEEDS to find the last notebook and know it's safe before he'll feel safe. And that he knows if he were to go home tonight that he might never come back. L remembers A and closes himself off a little but refuses to let Raito out of his sight even though the handcuffs are off. Watari agrees that it would be better if he were here under watch then at home, but tells Raito he'd probably be best in a facility. Raito laughs and mentions Japan's general opinion on depression and suicide and that he'd get better care from Watari then he would in a facility in Japan.

That nigh L and Raito are sleeping in different rooms (well, L working and Raito trying to sleep) but Raito comes out of the room and falls asleep on the couch next to L who's working on his laptop on the couch. L carries Raito back to bed and lays with him whispering "Please don't leave me too."

Skip forward a few months and the killings started up again. Misa is free and has returned to work, Watari still comes to see her for some counselling but has referred her to a Japanese psychiatrist.

Raito is a little better and back with his family but he can't sleep without someone else in the room with him. Since he's too ashamed to say anything to his family and has lied to his Dad to downplay his fragility he spends a lot of nights out wandering around and winds up at L's complex almost every night. L is debating offering him some kind of a job as the guilt of making Raito like this is still eating at him especially in remembrance of B and A.

L kind of points out that instead of coming there he could go see Misa and Raito admits he has. He's spent nights at her place, his other girlfriends places, L seems a little miffed about that until Raito admit's he's also been staying at friends houses, guest houses, hostels and even the other detectives places just to be able to sleep with someone else in the room. L asks about Misa again and they have a bit of a Yaoi moment where Raito admits that L is probably the only person whom he could ever really love because he is the only one who is intellectually equal to him.

L admits that Raito is one of the only people to hold L's interest for longer then a week, but he's willing to say it's probably not love, but a companionship and guilt. they talk a bit a bout their relationship and L starts to talk about how he suspect Misa has found the second book and is doing the killings. He feels guilty but he might have to bring her back in and he doesn't know how she would deal with that since Watari has mentioned she's still very suicidal under her cheery mask, but not so attached to Raito anymore since he's gotten so depressed.

Rem is still floating around since L keeps the book on him all the time, hears this and thinks that maybe Misa is safe enough that she could live through the loss of Raito so long as she was safe from L and had Watari who seems to be the healtiest thing in her life. Rem informs L that Raito was Kira, but she no longer needs either of them alive and that this is what's best for Misa, kills them both and dies leaving Mira and Watari alive to care for her.

* * *

C-PTSD is characterized by chronic difficulties in many areas of emotional and interpersonal functioning. Symptoms may include

* Difficulties regulating emotions, including symptoms such as persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or covert anger, which is characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior

* Variations in consciousness, such as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes of dissociation (during which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body)

* Changes in self-perception, such as a sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

* Varied changes in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator or becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge

* Alterations in relations with others, including isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer

* Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair

* * *

Okay I kind of don't like the ending I wrote for it the problem is I only wanted this to be 5 chapters and other then letting it flow back into the main storyline and dropping it all I couldn't keep it to 5. Option 2 was continuing it on forever until it reached an OOC smutfilled ending naturally, but the issue with that was "I'm not really writing this anymore" so I can't justify just leaving it hanging like that.

Still working on Blind and maybe once I'm done that I can work more on this.


End file.
